dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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