dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
