were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
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He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
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So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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