We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
