oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
