i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
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Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
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My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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