there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think my fart just growled at me.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
