the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
