Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
