my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
