I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
