Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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