Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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