dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
