yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
