I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
