I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
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She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
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if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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