Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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