if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
