A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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