whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
