you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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