Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You need Xanax blowdarts
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
