Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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