last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
