I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
