took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
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And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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