The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He passed out mid-signature
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
