Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
