i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
