I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
