I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
zippers are such a cool invention
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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