new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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