i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
