the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Buhtt sex?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
