Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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