I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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