respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
