just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
