There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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