he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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