You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
