he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you didnt know i had herpes?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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