I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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