Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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