I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
