I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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