What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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