Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
