I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
