my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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