if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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