at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
