Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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