My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
