Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
