Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
