when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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