Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
